Sensible accountability, along with healthy compassion and balanced kindnesses, is one of the three pillars of emotional health. If your accountability is skewed, it's going to cause you a whole load of problems, all over the place.
Either, you'll feel bad and guilty too much of the time, or at the other extreme, you'll be completely oblivious to the mistakes you make, and the harm and pain you might be causing other people.
Clearly, neither of these is ideal. The good news is, there's lots of things you can do PRACTICALLY to start solving this problem in your own, actual, real life.
One of the first, and most crucial bits of internal work is to recognise the difference between healthy shame - the kind that gets you to own up to the bad things you might be doing, and to make amends - and toxic shame.
The best definition I've come across is this:
Healthy shame is where you feel like you made a mistake. Toxic shame is where you feel like YOU ARE THE MISTAKE.
For those lucky people who have never experienced toxic shame, it's almost impossible to describe. The best I can do is say that you feel like your soul is being murderered, and you can't bear to be in your own skin. You feel so disgustingly, horribly bad about yourself, that you start wishing the ground would open up and swallow you.
Toxic shame is such a terrible feeling, that many people will go to any length to try and get away from it, including turning to substances, alcohol and other addictions. Other people switch off their feelings and go numb - which is probably one of the big things contributing to a whole bunch of mental health issues, including personality disorders like narcissism, where the narcissist can't accept they're ever wrong about anything, or less than perfect.
Ok, so far so good. Now, what do you actually DO about it? How do you get the toxic shame out of your system, and the healthy shame that stops you turning into a sociopath to flourish?
These are the basics (I go into a lot more detail in the Talk to God and Fix Your Health course, but even this stuff can start helping you big time, without you having to spend a cent):
1) Recognise the problem: You have a 'toxic shame' button that you need to defuse. (If you're not sure if this is you, go back to the definition, above, and see if you feel like you make mistakes, or that you ARE the mistake.)
2) Get God involved: Talk to Him for at least a minute every single day, and ask Him to help you stop feeling so bad about yourself.
3) Stay away from people who routinely blame you, criticise you, mock you and guilt you - you can't clean out toxic shame if it's still being shovelled into you by negative people in your environment. (Btw: the reason they do this is because they, themselves, have a lot of toxic shame. If they don't make you feel bad, then they're going to feel bad, so of course they're going to through you under the bus every single time, to save their own skins.)
4) Work with your relevant meridians, to defuse the trapped feelings of guilt, self-hatred and toxic shame that have got stuck in your energy system. If you're dealing with toxic shame, you should definitely work on your liver meridian, and your kidney meridian. (God-willing, I'll have the free ebook telling you how to work your meridian energy ready very soon. After five months of waiting, I had to fire my Indian illustrator, and find someone else to do it…)
If you work across these problems on the mind, body and soul level, they do free up, they do disappear, and they stay away for good.
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