The key to dealing with the 'backseat driver' is to understand how it actually operates.
The backseat driver:
- never stops talking
- doesn’t give you a moment to relax, digest, contemplate
- encourages you to spend as much time as possible checking pointless stuff out on your mobile phone
- plays both sides of the equation [like egging you on to 'speak your mind' about an issue, and rationalizes why it's actually good and correct for you to spew poison at other people, and then puts the boot in once you've actually done that, and makes you feel really bad and ashamed of how you just acted.]
- makes you feel ucky
- makes you feel like you can’t do without him.
- is a worry wort - as soon as you deal with one issue, and safely put it to bed, it throws up the next one to panic you about.
This probably sounds all to familiar, because all of us have to deal with the 'backseat driver' to some degree or another, and this is the way it operates for all of us. So for now, don't stress that you've got a huge issue that can never be fixed. It can, but first, we’re just here noticing the problem.
Here's some other stuff that the backseat driver does:
Really? Out outlook is what is shaping this reality, and not the other way round. But by controlling the way we process our experiences, and by filtering all of our experiences through it's own, warped lens, the backseat driver reinforces its version of reality, and maintains it's control over us.
But guess what:
That crazy little guy isn’t really us! And it's not really giving us a true picture of reality.
So then the question begs to be asked: who are we, really?
Let’s find out.
“If you take the next left, it will get you to the store 10 minutes faster…Hey, you’re revving too much, the engine can’t take it! The aircon is up to high I’m getting chilblains just sitting here…do you know how much gas that thing sucks out of the tank? This trip’s gonna end up costing you a fortune…You’re going to get stuck behind that tanker going uphill, you should indicate now and get into the middle lane…the cops usually park right behind that next bend with a speed-o-meter, hit the brakes so you don’t get fined…”
Few things are more irritating than having a back-seat driver along for the ride. There they sit, picking holes in your driving style, your sense of direction, even your choice of music. Ask the backseat driver why they do what they do, and they’ll tell you straight out: they’re just trying to be helpful. And they really believe it!
But going anywhere with a backseat driver is invariably exhausting and draining. They don’t shut up… they’re forever looking for one more thing to worry over, one more thing to criticize you about, one more way to make you feel small, stupid and entirely reliant on them and their superior advice and experience.
Backseat drivers take all the fun out of the journey.
Now, it’s hard enough to deal with a real-live person stuck in the back of your car trying to call all the shots and not giving you anytime or space to think things through for yourself in a calm, relaxed fashion. But there’s a big secret you should know about yourself: You’ve got a back-seat driver calling the shots in your own head 24 / 7 and you never get away from them.
And that’s not all. This backseat driver is so cunning, it’s managed to convince you that the person who’s doling out all the criticism, and worry, and doubt and harsh judgments about you and the rest of humanity is actually…you.
“I’m such an idiot! I can’t believe I forget to call the insurance guy to renew the policy on time. Now, I’m going to have to re-do all the paperwork from scratch, I’m so retarded!”
Or, try this:
“I can’t believe I was dumb enough to try to avoid paying the tax I owed. Now, I’m stressing about it all the time and I sit in the office convinced the IRS are going to burst through my door any minute and arrest me. They’ll splash the story all over the local press and my wife will divorce me…”
Or how about this:
“Man, why did I eat all those fries and pizza? I really feel like I’m going to throw up now! I’ve got no self-control, I can’t seem to get a grip on my life, I’m such a loser.”
He's convinced us that HE is really US!
Do you see what’s happening here? The backseat driver has us convinced that he is really us. He talks in our voice, he uses our catch-phrases, he knows all our secret fears and weaknesses, and he has absolutely no qualms about using them against us to get us to do what he wants.
And what is it that this internal back-seat driver really wants from us? In a word: control. He wants to control the way we see our lives, and the way we relate to other people, and the way we react to the different circumstances we get sent to deal with.
He wants to convince us that the world is full of bogey-man waiting to get us, and monsters under our bed who want to spirit us away to the netherworld, and nasty people who are just itching to kidnap our children and steal our lifesavings.
Maybe you’re reading this and thinking to yourself: “But isn’t that true? Isn’t that a rational opinion to hold, that the world is a dangerous place and home to milllions and even billions of psychos, derango-s and otherwise criminally insane, crazy people?”
Let’s be clear no-one is arguing with the idea that the world is full of loony-tunes. Everyone walking around on planet earth has got their own issues to deal with, and their own craziness to face down. But top of the crazy-making list is this:
People think that their backseat driver is really them.
That’s why they have ceded almost all their power, control and inner vitality over to that little crazy guy sitting behind them who is calling all the shots in their lives.
So what can we really do, to try to get rid of this pernicious backseat driver who seems to have opinions about everything and everyone, and who makes judgment calls 24/7 and doesn’t give us a moment’s peace and quiet, even (or maybe especially…) when we’re trying to settle down for the night?
Just as we’ve got into our favorite pair of pyjamas and started to drowse off over an interesting bit of bedtime reading and reached to turn the bedside light off - that’s when it starts reminding us that we forgot to hang the washing up, and it’s going black and moldy in the machine. Or that we forgot to respond to that niggly work email, and now all the endless possible responses are going to be cycling through our head, bothering us and stopping us from going to sleep all night long.
Let’s be clear that this crazy little backseat driving guy is really good at what he does, he’s an expert in keeping our heads too stuffed up with worries and problems and doubts and arguments and criticisms to really take a breath and to actually think.
But it’s time to turf him out of pole position, and to reclaim control of the vehicle once again
These days, it seems like you need a bunch of letters after your name to have a right to an opinion on anything.
“You can’t eat carbs for breakfast! The latest research shows that eating carbs for breakfast will severely impact your digestive system and make you sluggish and slow the whole day.”
“But, I really like my Weetabix…”
“Who are you to have an opinion like that?! What’s your alma mater? What do you know, really? I’m telling you that carbs are bad for breakfast - and I’ve devoted the last 10 years of my life to researching this issue - and you’re still telling me that you enjoy wheat-based cereals first thing in the morning?! Why should I take you seriously? Who are you, to be arguing against the science?”
All the experts out there are pretty busy these days telling us what to eat for optimal gut health, and what gloopy stuff to smear on our skins to combat wrinkles, or zits, and how to raise our kids so they won’t turn into psychos.
The list goes on and on.
Uhoh. Here comes one now.
“Wait a minute, who gave you permission to write about all this emotional health stuff? Where’s your credentials? Where did you study? Who are you, anyway?!”
Hopefully, we’ll get to a much deeper answer to that question as this series of posts unfolds, but you should know that regardless of all the experts out there who are trying to convince you that you can’t so much as pick up a pair of slacks or buy a new toothbrush without their ‘expert’ advice and opinion, really there is only expert you should be listening to on a regular basis: yourself.
Not because you have a million shiny PhD diplomas hanging on your wall (although that’s nice if you do); and not because you’re a self-made millionaire, or a fashion icon, or a pillar of society, or because you happen to bake the best pecan pie this side of the Atlantic.
All that stuff is nice, sure, but the reason you are the real expert about your own life is because you got given that job to do, and every ability you need to carry it off properly. This book isn’t about teaching new truths or new wisdoms that you’ve never heard of before. It’s about revealing that truth deep inside of yourself that you actually already know and recognize to be your own.
Really, you know better than anyone else in the world what you should be doing with yourself, what’s good for you, what you should be aiming for and getting the heck away from. And you for sure know what to have for breakfast.
So this series of posts isn’t so much a journey of discovery as a journey of helping you to reclaim what is already yours, and to find what you already possess deep within.