|
talk to god and fix your health: module 4, PART 1 |
In the last module, you learnt that when healthy compassion is missing in your interactions with other people, that can cause some heavy-duty emotional fallout, and lead to a whole range of negative feelings and reactions.
In this class, you're going to learn how to define and develop spiritually healthy accountability, which is the second foundation of emotional health.
In today's topsy-turvy world, far too many of us are walking around feeling bad for things that we either have no control over or responsibility for, or not feeling ashamed about things that we really should be.
So when is it 'healthy' to feel ashamed and accountable? And how can you know if the accountability and shame you're feeling is something that's helpful and spiritually-positive, or something that's toxic and spiritually-damaging? By the end of this module, you'll have solid answers to both of those questions.
NB: THIS MODULE CONTAINS A LOT OF MATERIAL, SO FOR EASE OF LEARNING, IT'S SPLIT INTO TWO PARTS.
Defining healthy accountability
Before we jump into the whole discussion about what makes accountability healthy, we need to define what accountability actually is.
The Talk to God and Fix Your Health definition of accountability is:
Taking appropriate responsibility for something you did wrong.
In its proper context, accountability, (and the feelings of guilt and shame that often prompt it), is a very useful trait to have, and a key component of your spiritual make-up, or soul.
God gave you the ability to feel accountable and ashamed of your behaviour for the following reasons:
When your feelings of accountability motivate you to clean up the mess you made, or to sincerely apologize for something you really did wrong, or to resolve to get a grip on your bad character traits, then it's healthy and good.
When your feelings of accountability are either completely absent, or crippling you with feelings of shame and guilt, that is seriously unhealthy, spiritually-speaking.
In the first exercise, I want you to try to pin-down what accountability means to you.
Exercise 1: What does 'accountability' mean to you?
Try to answer the following questions:
1) When someone is acting in an accountable way:
2) Is accountability always a good thing? Why / why not?
3) How can acting with accountability help you, in life?
4) How can it hurt you?
How accountability looks in real-time
One of the main goals of this course is to encourage you to move all the concepts you're learning out of the world of ideas, into the real world. When you start to compare how you think the world is working around you with how you actually observe the world to be working around you, you can learn some very profound things.
So let's take a look at how 'sensible accountability' should actually play out, in reality.
A person with sensible accountability will normally act in the following ways, if they've done something wrong. They will:
That is how spiritually-healthy accountability looks in action, when a person truly feels regret about something they genuinely did wrong, and then tries to make amends for what they did.
Unhealthy accountability
Unhealthy accountability can occur in two different ways. Either:
1) You don't give a hoot about who your actions are hurting, and you don't feel bad about anything you do, even the worst things in the world.
Or
2) You take responsibility for everything that's going wrong in the whole world, and walk around feeling permanently guilty and 'to blame'.
I'm exaggerating (a little…) to make the point, but you get the idea. Now, let's look at both of these areas in more detail, to see how you can achieve balanced, healthy accountability.
Exercise 2: Where are you holding, accountability-wise?
Before you continue, answer the following questions to get a feel for where your accountability might be out of kilter.
Rate each of the following statements as follows, to find out which areas may be out of balance.
0 - Almost never
1 - Sometimes
2 - Often
3 - Almost always
How to interpret your results:
0 -9 = Unbalanced
10-20 = Balanced
21-30 = Unbalanced
(NB: You'll find an expanded version of this exercise in the PDF Exercise Workbook for Module 4, below.)
What happens when you don't take enough responsibility for your actions?
First, let me reassure you that this occasionally happens to all of us. Even the most sincere, saintly, altruistic people will occasionally lose their temper; or talk on their phone while they're driving; or take the last chocolate in the box, even though they know their husband would have really liked it.
Sensible accountability is NOT about always acting appropriately and properly. None of us are angels, and we all make mistakes. Sensible accountability is about how you act AFTER your error of judgement, or bad behaviour:
Do you own up to what you did, or do you try to shove it under the carpet and pretend it never happened?
The next exercise will help you find out.
Exercise 3: Identifying your accountability bad habits
Cast your mind back to the last time you did something objectively wrong, which for the purposes of this exercise we're going to limit to you lied, stole, cheated, bullied or deliberately hurt another person.
How did you react, afterwards? Take a deep breath, and tick any of the following that apply:
Did you:
Don't panic if you're looking at a lot of 'ticks' right now, because ironically, that actually shows that you have a pretty healthy sense of accountability. It's when you can't accept that you ever do things wrong, or that you're ever less than 100% perfect that you should really start to worry (that's called having a Personality Disorder).
Just make a note of the results, and pay more attention to the tools for developing a stronger sense of responsibility that I'll give you a little later on in this module.
Also, don't panic if you're not looking at a lot of ticks right now, because either that shows that your accountability is already pretty healthy, or it's unbalanced on the other side of the equation, which you'll learn more about shortly, in the second part of Module 4.
In the following AUDIOPODCAST (click to play it), you’ll hear why even ‘big’ people have to apologise, sometimes, and you’ll also learn the difference between an authentic expression of sincere regret, and a ‘fauxpology’.
In this class, you're going to learn how to define and develop spiritually healthy accountability, which is the second foundation of emotional health.
In today's topsy-turvy world, far too many of us are walking around feeling bad for things that we either have no control over or responsibility for, or not feeling ashamed about things that we really should be.
So when is it 'healthy' to feel ashamed and accountable? And how can you know if the accountability and shame you're feeling is something that's helpful and spiritually-positive, or something that's toxic and spiritually-damaging? By the end of this module, you'll have solid answers to both of those questions.
NB: THIS MODULE CONTAINS A LOT OF MATERIAL, SO FOR EASE OF LEARNING, IT'S SPLIT INTO TWO PARTS.
Defining healthy accountability
Before we jump into the whole discussion about what makes accountability healthy, we need to define what accountability actually is.
The Talk to God and Fix Your Health definition of accountability is:
Taking appropriate responsibility for something you did wrong.
In its proper context, accountability, (and the feelings of guilt and shame that often prompt it), is a very useful trait to have, and a key component of your spiritual make-up, or soul.
God gave you the ability to feel accountable and ashamed of your behaviour for the following reasons:
- If you never feel ashamed, you won't try to make amends for your bad behaviour.
- Shame can motivate you to change and improve.
- When you feel accountable for how you act, and how you treat other people, you're more likely to treat others with kindness and our old friend, compassion.
When your feelings of accountability motivate you to clean up the mess you made, or to sincerely apologize for something you really did wrong, or to resolve to get a grip on your bad character traits, then it's healthy and good.
When your feelings of accountability are either completely absent, or crippling you with feelings of shame and guilt, that is seriously unhealthy, spiritually-speaking.
In the first exercise, I want you to try to pin-down what accountability means to you.
Exercise 1: What does 'accountability' mean to you?
Try to answer the following questions:
1) When someone is acting in an accountable way:
- What do they do?
- What do they say?
- How do they act?
- How do they respond?
2) Is accountability always a good thing? Why / why not?
3) How can acting with accountability help you, in life?
4) How can it hurt you?
How accountability looks in real-time
One of the main goals of this course is to encourage you to move all the concepts you're learning out of the world of ideas, into the real world. When you start to compare how you think the world is working around you with how you actually observe the world to be working around you, you can learn some very profound things.
So let's take a look at how 'sensible accountability' should actually play out, in reality.
A person with sensible accountability will normally act in the following ways, if they've done something wrong. They will:
- Own up
- Try to make amends
- Feel guilty (more on this in a minute)
- Act ashamed - (their body language will be soft, not aggressive, head bowed, eyes downcast; they'll probably speak softly and hesitantly)
- Change their behaviour
- Sincerely apologize for their behaviour, and ask for forgiveness
That is how spiritually-healthy accountability looks in action, when a person truly feels regret about something they genuinely did wrong, and then tries to make amends for what they did.
Unhealthy accountability
Unhealthy accountability can occur in two different ways. Either:
1) You don't give a hoot about who your actions are hurting, and you don't feel bad about anything you do, even the worst things in the world.
Or
2) You take responsibility for everything that's going wrong in the whole world, and walk around feeling permanently guilty and 'to blame'.
I'm exaggerating (a little…) to make the point, but you get the idea. Now, let's look at both of these areas in more detail, to see how you can achieve balanced, healthy accountability.
Exercise 2: Where are you holding, accountability-wise?
Before you continue, answer the following questions to get a feel for where your accountability might be out of kilter.
Rate each of the following statements as follows, to find out which areas may be out of balance.
0 - Almost never
1 - Sometimes
2 - Often
3 - Almost always
- I apologize when I do something wrong
- I hate saying sorry
- I feel guilty
- I feel ashamed of my behaviour
- When there's a problem, it's the other guy's fault
- When there's a problem, it's my fault
- I get emotional
- I make mistakes
- I feel bad when I do something wrong
- I act responsibly
How to interpret your results:
0 -9 = Unbalanced
10-20 = Balanced
21-30 = Unbalanced
(NB: You'll find an expanded version of this exercise in the PDF Exercise Workbook for Module 4, below.)
What happens when you don't take enough responsibility for your actions?
First, let me reassure you that this occasionally happens to all of us. Even the most sincere, saintly, altruistic people will occasionally lose their temper; or talk on their phone while they're driving; or take the last chocolate in the box, even though they know their husband would have really liked it.
Sensible accountability is NOT about always acting appropriately and properly. None of us are angels, and we all make mistakes. Sensible accountability is about how you act AFTER your error of judgement, or bad behaviour:
Do you own up to what you did, or do you try to shove it under the carpet and pretend it never happened?
The next exercise will help you find out.
Exercise 3: Identifying your accountability bad habits
Cast your mind back to the last time you did something objectively wrong, which for the purposes of this exercise we're going to limit to you lied, stole, cheated, bullied or deliberately hurt another person.
How did you react, afterwards? Take a deep breath, and tick any of the following that apply:
Did you:
- Act defiantly - "I didn't do anything wrong!"
- Act unafraid of the consequences
- Act nonchalant - "What's the big deal? Nobody died just now, geez…"
- Feel irritated at the other person for 'catching you in the act'
- Act aggressive, and go on the attack
- Start making excuses
- Start blaming other people for 'making you doing it'
- Start undermining the other person, with criticism, guilt or other manipulative tactics "Why are you so sensitive?? You are completely over-reacting! Why do you have to make everything into a big deal?"
- Refuse to accept responsibility for doing anything wrong
- Refuse to make a sincere apology ("If I did that, then I'm sorry")
Don't panic if you're looking at a lot of 'ticks' right now, because ironically, that actually shows that you have a pretty healthy sense of accountability. It's when you can't accept that you ever do things wrong, or that you're ever less than 100% perfect that you should really start to worry (that's called having a Personality Disorder).
Just make a note of the results, and pay more attention to the tools for developing a stronger sense of responsibility that I'll give you a little later on in this module.
Also, don't panic if you're not looking at a lot of ticks right now, because either that shows that your accountability is already pretty healthy, or it's unbalanced on the other side of the equation, which you'll learn more about shortly, in the second part of Module 4.
In the following AUDIOPODCAST (click to play it), you’ll hear why even ‘big’ people have to apologise, sometimes, and you’ll also learn the difference between an authentic expression of sincere regret, and a ‘fauxpology’.
DON'T FORGET TO DOWNLOAD YOUR EXERCISE WORKBOOK FOR MODULE 4 (PDF) (This workbook includes exercises from both parts of Module 4, so you only need to download it once):
| module_4_workbook.pdf |
CLICK ON THE LINKS TO JUMP TO THE DIFFERENT COURSE MODULES:
INTRODUCTION
MODULE 1
MODULE 2
MODULE 3
MODULE 4 - PART 1
MODULE 4 - PART 2
MODULE 5
MODULE 6
INTRODUCTION
MODULE 1
MODULE 2
MODULE 3
MODULE 4 - PART 1
MODULE 4 - PART 2
MODULE 5
MODULE 6