But then, they came back again. And again. And again - and always in very weird, unexpected ways where I would literally be fine for months, then have half a day of stomachache, then nothing again.
I went to see a natural healer, who told me my gallbladder was playing up. So then I took the disgusting-tasting herbal remedy and again, that seemed to do the trick for a week or two. Until it came back again.
After a few years’ of this, I finally figured out that my stomachaches were emotional - i.e. I would feel some sort of emotional or spiritual ‘pain’ or distress that I hadn’t registered consciously, and then it would show up as a crippling stomachache instead.
Once I started to figure out a bunch of stuff about the many mentally-ill, negative people in my life - and how they were seriously impacting my physical health and well-being on so many levels - my stomachaches improved tremendously, and almost disappeared.
But not entirely.
The stomachaches return
Recently, I got a really bad stomachache again - like the sort I used to have in the bad old days - and I was stumped as to who or what was behind it, because I couldn’t pinpoint anything obvious that might have triggered it off. (That’s the problem: you never realize what the problem is consciously, which is why it shows up as a somatic issue, to try and get your attention.)
I decided to do a mind-map, to try to ‘dig underneath’ a bit and find out what the stomachache was coming to tell me. Because mind-maps are written and creative, they tap-into the non-verbal, right side of the brain that’s much more in-tune with our limbic system (the so-called emotional brain) and our primitive brain, that deals with fight-or-flight issues.
The mind-map showed me there were some big emotions attached to my stomachache, especially despair, fear and disappointment.
I was expecting the stomachache to lift now I’d got the message, but this time round, it hung on for a few more days, because there was clearly still more work to do. I went to talk to God about the stomachache, and I got a nudge to do another mind-map about an old friend of mine, who had basically dumped me when she moved away to a different continent.
I was a bit surprised, because I haven’t spoken to her for around a decade, and she didn’t seem like a ‘live’ topic in my life anymore, despite how much she’d hurt me all those years’ back. But I’ve learned not to argue with the steers I get in my personal prayer sessions, and I went to do the mind-map.
The mind-map comes through again
The results were stunning: Over the course of the mind-map, I realized that there had been a pattern snaking its way through my closest friendships since I was a kid: I’d give my ‘best’ friend my all, go all-out for them in any way I could - and sooner or later, I’d still end up being dumped / rejected / treated like a retard.
Here’s the thing: over the last few years, I’ve learned so much about personality disorders, and emotionally abusive behavior, that I really didn’t think there was anything more I needed to figure out about all the dysfunctional relationships I’ve had in my life. But I was wrong!
When I was doing that mindmap, I suddenly realized how the ‘theme’ running through it was contempt: my old dysfunctional ‘friends’ were happy to take anything they could squeeze out of me, but really they held me in contempt, and looked down on me from a place of superiority and condescension.
On the subconscious level, I was always trying so hard to please them because I was picking up the subtle message loud and clear that the ‘real me’ was somehow not good enough, or unacceptable. I always felt I had to tone myself, and my clarity, down somehow, to fit in with all the fibs they were telling themselves about what was going on in their own lives.
And then I got the next shock: I’m still doing that today! And I can’t take it anymore, which is why the stomachaches are back and escalating in intensity.
The problem is this: we live in a world that’s built on lies, but God is truth. So every time I tell myself a lie, or live a lie, or hang out with people who are avoiding the truth on some level, I’m effectively cutting myself off from my spiritual dimension, and God.
I’ve been covering some of the lies being told on this website, like the lie that mental illnesses are caused by chemical imbalances and ‘cured’ by pills; or like the lies that emotionally abusive behavior doesn’t hurt anyone; or like the lie that parents always and only do what’s best for their kids.
But the truth is, modern society is built on so many lies, from the unproven theory of evolution on up, that at this stage of the game, most of us are living a lie by default. Let me share one example, which really sums up what’s going on in so many people’s lives:
Recently, I’ve had conversations with three different people who are literally being made physically ill because they're in enormously dysfunctional and even abusive relationships with their spouses. Do they want to hear that? Nope. Are they getting better, despite all the conventional and alternative treatments they’re undergoing? Nope. Do they want to continue being so physically ill? Nope. Are they willing to look at what’s really causing the problem? Nope.
While these examples are spouses, you could switch in pretty much anyone and still get the same equation: parents, siblings, adult children, friends, bosses, other relatives….
There’s a huge mess going on all over the place, and most of us don’t want to look at it because it’s just too scary and painful. So instead, we’re telling ourselves lies about things not being so bad, or about medication and surgery being the solution to all our problems, or how if we only had more cash or nicer homes all the heartache would disappear.
It’s a world of lies.
And apparently, I’m stepping into it every time I leave my front door.
Sooner or later, the truth will win out
I don’t have a neat conclusion for what to do with all these insights. People are people, the world is the world, and baring a huge shake-up of the present world order, the lies are not going to disappear of their own accord.
But now that I know that living other people’s lies is seriously affecting my own physical health (again...), I need to do a lot of talking to God to figure out what to do next, and how.
It’s much easier for me to stay behind my curtain of relative anonymity, and not lift the lid on the challenges I’m facing in my own life. Writing personal posts like this is always a little risky, because it’s me, and my real life that I’m putting out there.
But I decided that even though ‘real’ is pretty unacceptable these days, (and even though there are still a bunch of people out there convinced I'm a 'retard') I still have to be as real as I can, because I know there are other people out there who are also sick of all the lies, and who are looking for reassurance that they aren’t the crazy ones.
When more of us start to stand up and start saying out loud: ‘The emperor has no clothes! The world is full of lies! Everyone is walking around feeling miserable, empty and despairing!’ (despite all the meds they’re taking…) - then change will happen. Change will have to happen. Because God is truth, and sooner or later, the truth will win out.